Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted. Yes, that's a quote from an enlightened rap character in a goofy drug movie from when, maybe the late 90's? But that's how I feel.
I visited the Simple Way for one of their weekly potlucks last Friday and though nothing extraordinary happened, no earth-shattering revelation made, no crazy worlds collided in the punch bowl (or coffee pot as it were) I left with a light heart, having met several people, one woman that I talked with at length and proceeded to pour out details of my life and how I ended up here, sharing my hallmark Dahl with these normal folks I think are incredible examples of humanity and God's children. . .losing more and more of that blasted self-confidence and cockiness that blew up in my face a few months, or heck, a few years ago. Everytime I get to 'tell my story' it seems more a pre-ordained disaster or perhaps an outcome that family and some friends foresaw. . .the bus parked at a friend's, no possible funding, all the belongings I sold and gave away being slowly replaced as I settle into a 'normal' and practical life of full-time employment and public (or maybe private if three kids in the same family stand a chance of all getting full scholarships) schooling and haircuts and insomnia, constantly analyzing and re-analyzing why I gave up and why I had such an idea in the first place. . .
But yeah, anyway, leaving the Simple Way, heart lightened and all that, standing outside that night watching the moon shining back at us all, I reminded myself to not forget that peace and inspiration I felt earlier within the community (which, incidentally, is not really an intentional community anymore, for all practical purposes, the folks live together, but they are temporary interns, for 20 months, but if you ask me, it's a community. But if you ask me, everything is art, also. I'm broad with definitions). Tonight I called upon those feelings, after a very tough weekend with my children adapting and learning simple things (that take us all life) like sharing (over and over and over and over and over) with Anna and her daughter, whose hearts are bigger then they can sometimes stand. Personal drama/tragedy/trauma within a certain circle I have trouble balancing tripped our little ecosystem over the edge and its force was felt emotionally tonight for sure.
These are the trails of community. But what to do? Maybe my microscopic example of community is a voice that may need to be heard. Maybe it's time to shed pride or confidence, or even ideals - certainly a time to throw out the romanticism of travel and a gypsy troupe of three beauties. . .though it's never gonna leave my blood. . .I have bigger fish to fry, It's a Wonderful Life replays in my mind on a loop - our purpose might not be glory, or more like, our purpose is never glory of self.
I was looking for a way to raise my children in an environment perfect in a way that people were at peace (at the foundation of it all) with each other and the world, respectful and loving and joyful and faithful, where the earth was treated as God's daughter and the lives of Jesus and Gandhi and that quiet kid in Pass it Forward were sought after. I was looking for good examples, for a place, for a perfect option versus welfare or spending time away from them in lieu of having money to provide a house for them. I was looking for the answer to everyone's problems of this critical society, time, place, over-stimulation.
I thought I failed in involuntarily being selfish in a selfless mode. . .
I thought the whole thing was a sham and a bust. . .hours ago. . .not the first time
I re-thought what a horribly naive process I've made known I'm engaging in for much too long without results.
Then Anna apologized for being short, which she barely was snappy, and I said it was ok, and there was an opening in the air, to allow clean breathing air to circulate between us, the adults and parents and decision-makers, then we were allowed to pass a bit down to the kids, who have had a somewhat difficult time adjusting to something of a benign life as we figure out what a meaningful life looks like after preparing for extraordinary lives. . .
But, living here is nothing short of extraordinary, and your life is nothing short of painfully pertinent and important. We are all sharing a global community that shouldn't make your thoughts jump to picture a globe and a graphic of hands being held across it - though that's endearing, we should all be more actively thinking as highly respected members of this community of earth. . .and your loving, caring, joyful tiny decisions you make before you move down the next mile, these are the sinew in the muscles that will lovingly lift up the veil of oppression that we willingly place on our lives.
And in a post I began writing a month ago, a whopping big part of the veil is lack of true communication. It begins even deeper with self-knowledge and exploration, which is, of course, a whole 'nother story. . .
All is well in the Smith-Pender-Zimmer-Bertsch household/community tonight. Think happy thoughts, think what a Simple Way we have before us
