The night can be dark

Such a stupid title, or just a stupid, redundant stated observation - "The night can be dark."  But I'm amazed, yes, amazed, at the darkness of the night the last 4 nights outside, as I sit with my partner out back after hours.  After bedtime hours that is, which ideally are 9 for the boys and 10 for the teenage thing occupying my daughter's body temporarily for a few years.  Last night 'after hours' was 11 because of the youngest.  I read, do a meditation, a gratitude, then we pray (along with giving thanks for the gratitudes).  Every night.  Every night. The child rearing experts all agree with a schedule.  I keep getting told by professionals that a schedule works.  But not with this guy.  F the schedule, his over-sized amygdala always screams night after night as he shows up in my doorway, or the kitchen, or the bathroom - wherever I may be. . .

"I can't sleep"

But that's another post. Another night that I'll be procrastinating. 

The moon has been getting the hell out of dodge early every night.  I missed the last full moon and I feel like this is my penance for forgetting - I'm way off on what is going on with our little friend up there in the gravitational pull of all our shit.  The moon is most definitely shunning me. 

So as a result, I've revisited a kinda spotty fear of the dark I've always had.  I've been experiencing the panic when I close my computer screen outside and can't see to make sure I still have both hands. . .I've re-discovered my nervousness with the blankness when Tom goes inside for another drink or some food or whatever.  It's weird.

A few weeks ago Tom and I broke our year and half booze-fast with a little wine as a pre-celebration to my graduate degree commencement.  Not too much by all means, but a doorway, more into the wonderment and mystery of laziness and more so, procrastination.  A trap we lay daily, and a good one at that.

The night can be dark when you are looking for the night to be light.  You know why?  Because the night IS f'n dark.  It's there for us to rest.  I'm pretty certain that science has proven long ago that humans rest best in the dark.  That's just the way it is.  But me?  NO.  I stay up now until 4 am - not out of any other reason but self-sabotage.  I want a valid excuse to be too tired to do anything tomorrow.  I need to catch up on my sleep, and hell, that's not selfish, is it?  I mean, I was up until 4am.  Doing what you ask?  Watching 80's videos and Louie on Netflix.  I mean, that's just me making the most of this life, right? 

It seems that the night can be very dark, indeed.  And sometimes it's nice to experience that darkness is full consciousness, to be certain that it really is there, ensuring you are resting, and you - you are making sure there is nothing else going on, that there's no scheme abroad that calls for Sabrina to not participate. . .I want to be sure, maybe, that the world doesn't explode in fireworks and endless Indian food buffets and foot massages and slip-n-slide parties every night while I sleep, and everyone is playing dumb because they really don't want me to spoil the party with my emptiness and procrastination.  Whatever procrastination does to a party, I'm not sure. . .

I'm reassured tonight that the night is indeed just dark, and my dreams assure me that I really didn't miss much.