Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Yeah I'm doing it. I'm doing something. . .
Did I mention I've already begun my journey? Not as I pictured it, to take from my friend's documentary title (Not as I pictured It), but heck yeah, we're living in a community - another single mom with three small kids, looking forward to living on a community based farm for the winter int he bus, and STILL working on getting things together enough to travel, to take care of ourselves. Yes, we're homeschooling - a single parent, and yes, I'm still working as much as I can. See how easy this is? Shiz. . .
Monday, October 17, 2011
An Old Love Letter From August
My humility began as a humble pride with Sirius, so after the last week in Asheville with my buddy Dave Keister gently reinforcing that humility passively, I can now say I'm in stage 2 of learning to humble myself. I can't fully speak for Matthew, but he definitely feels the same way.
Ezekiel is into week 5 in New Jersey with his dad and grandparents - us thinking we'd be on the road about 2 weeks ago. . .I am in pieces about that - but of any of my three children, Ezekiel is the strongest and most independent, so it's myself that I worry about being so homesick for him. He's just fine and his time with his dad and other family is a good thing. Being pressured to make this start to Philadelphia asap has caused me to overlook many many things - the un-readiness of the bus and ourselves as far as knowledge goes - mentally we are all 5 prepared for the road - physically, the bus is basically a big steel tent. There are bunks and chairs. Here's what's not there - security, electricity, heat, water. I justified and excused all that lack of necessities in the form of seeing us as mobile campers. I mean, hikers on the AT don't have heat, electricity, running water, right? Yes, Sabrina, but the point of the bus is to be a mobile and independent home - a place where we have a self-contained and independent environment. A place where we can cook, wash, use the toilet, charge our cell phones and laptop, keep warm in this weather, eluding quickly to chilly autumn nights, and a peaceful place to rest.
Our priority still lays with the fuel system addition to include the veggie oil system. About a month ago Dave was set to come down to Tennessee from North Carolina and do the conversion, something I grasped with un-abashed naivete. The day before he was set, he gave me a call - "How much do you have set aside?" Me, "about $400 for parts". Dave respectfully let me know it would be more in the area of $1200. Ok, I said, no worries, even though I usually don't come across that sort of money unless it's refund season. I just don't have that business-set mind. But through God's patient support Matthew was able to come up with $1000 within a week through some completely un-expected situations. And no, nothing illegal! So we continue on in our blind-sighted progress, concerned with cleaning out the house and manicuring the property, focusing on bills and making sure the kids are getting enough learning experiences everyday, then onto moving out almost 2 weeks ago. I drove the bus without any problems down my friends' narrow driveway in Bristol and lined up the bus all neat. There was a week of un-spoken chaos as my friends Emily and Adam welcomed our misfit crew into their home - two kids drawn wild with summer and craving some formal lessons or any manner of schedule, my dog Sammi who we have sadly learned is not going to come with us because of socialization issues, me with my frazzled and open-ended ideas and not much follow through, and Matthew who is trying with his big heart to still just find his place with me and the kids and now my friends' home. Blessed are the crazies, for they mean well and they shall one day be sane. . .
Sunday was my last day of work. I gloated in the exit, sure to never return to the food industry, confident that my creative visions would begin to come to form. Monday my mom agreed to take Samson and Mercury for the next 4 days while we drove the bus and car to Asheville for the conversion, ordered parts and more then enough money (somehow) in hand. We were set on staying in the car a few nights as a motel room was out of the question considering our budget. Monday tropical storm Lee's afterthoughts were upon the mountainous climb to NC, but the wipers proved well. The headlights were discovered to not work, though, and the roof hatch STILL leaks and Sammi sure enough HATES the bus. I got lost. Twice. I wasn't as excited as I should have been when we pulled up, though I was very proud to have handled the driveways narrow switchback on gravel and the threat of a fence to the left. Not bad driving, Sabrina. But oh how that pride is rightfully crushed! As I should have been finding a way to update everyday as we were patiently walked through the engineering and mechanics, I will summarize - I number one, have as much knowledge of the system as I can and have explained to the kids and others - number two, I have not been able to sleep at night because I know that time is passing without me constantly filling my head with knowledge of all in that I lack - basically everything I'm wanting to do.
So the system Dave created for us is amazing. Sure he personally didn't come up with the idea - actually Rudolph Diesel did more then a hundred years ago - but he did refine it to our specific needs and the vehicle. Something Greasecar or Frybrid would charge $4000 or more for. And so the cost of parts and the very very scant wages we could afford to reimburse Dave and his welder friend Ed and our tiny 'Thanks' to Keith who apparently volunteered 4 days of labor left us with about $150 for the rest of the month. And this was after I told Dave we couldn't afford the electric system needed for the pumps. . .so as of now, we are back at Emily and Adam's in Bristol with Sirius - all converted except for the electricity and the two tanks were left in Asheville for when we return in about a month. Give or take.
Last night at the rest area high in the cloud shrouded mountains between here and there, after a chance meeting with Micheal, another engineering Christian-anti-establishment hippie genius truck driver with an amazing heart, I awoke at 3am to pounding waves of doubt and confusion and anxiety. How was I to learn even the basics of mechanics, engineering, electricity, composting, plumbing, and carpentry without even mentioning refining the whole concept of what I thought I was doing? a couple chapters from Proverbs set me straight, or rather, enlightened me to the idea of self-confidence where it's not rightly due is a fool. I am a fool.
But the beautiful thing? The perfect and reassuring fact? I have a good heart. When Dave asked me to sum up the message I want to send with all this, I said, that if I can do it - if I of all people am able to pull off this alternative to the systems we have, then anyone can. I'm not brilliant in much but love, I'm horrible at making money, I've put together a bus that has hypocritical points (non-renewable sourced wood because it was all I could afford, for instance) to my vision, I'm terribly un-prepared, and my plan to make a film has its backing in only my faith, I cannot secure any sponsors until I'm at least self-contained lest I waste other's time. . .but you know what? I am going to do this, WE are, through battles with doubt and confusion and ignorance, it only helps the concept to prove its truth - that we are all capable of change and supporting each other. . .
Sails away, kids away, finding our way
I was invited to participate in a sailboat race at the lake where I work. A windy beautiful warm autumn day with new friends, 45/50 degrees down into the water with wet sails, and a larger vocabulary that includes jib and port and halyard. The freedom I've had since the kids have been with their dad and grandparents has me yearning for experiences never tasted, which also includes me bow-hunting this week. Yes, a vegetarian of 18 years. What does this have to do with community? Well, everything. The people I've met, my new friend Paul, wow - just wow. Paul has lived on his sailboat for almost a year, taking care of Doug, a Vietnam vet who surprisingly has lived on a bus. I have seen this incredible love for one another, an amazing community at a dock no less. And let's not forget the lessons I've been learning sharing a house with Danielle and her three small children. . .more of an experiment then anything, but patience, love, respect, and communication are the mainstays of any working community, go figure. It's been nice having learned that first hand, before I threw me and the kids out into much larger, working communities with our hands up in the air and our jaws dropped - just how un-prepared for most everything from rough living to homogenizing our family with the world is shocking, but we've been BLESSED to have had this last month to work together with each other, all the friends old and new helping out, and the world at large - the Community at large.
Think about it - what would I have in common with a 60-some disabled vet whose love of Natural Light is a love affair is almost sweet at times? More then I would have guessed. I'm not tentative of accepting and loving folks. It'll be a test of my word to teach the kids all about different people, but oh how exciting. And through all this hanging out on the dock in-between work and talking philosophies and being landlocked on a gorgeous lake surrounded by mountains and the sounds of the rattling kaleidoscope canopies, the lines chiming against the masts, I have re-gained a faith in people, in God's creation, in myself. I've actually learned somethings about living on the road, how not to take advantage, but rather barter in everything, even language - someone says something nice, you reimburse them with something nice. I've enjoyed some lively discussions about karma lately. . .
So today I met with some amazing people - Amos and Kaci - these two young, balanced-idealists who own Trosly Farm in Elk Park, North Carolina. It's a working, community-based farm that they began by themselves about 2 years ago, and have managed to almost completely work the farm for their own financial sustainability. It's a beautiful example of what can be done with the right combination of faith and hard work and ideals, though obviously, ideals need to be toned down sometimes, to be realized as ideals and be varied from that point, to paraphrase Amos today this afternoon. They have agreed, in exchange for conditioned work on some buildings and chores with the animals, pre-determined hours - to allow Sirius to be parked on their property for the 4 hardest months of winter. This afternoon my head is reeling with all that needs to be done to quickly make our lives on the bus as self-sufficient as possible - namely the wood stove, a cord of wood brought up to the farm, figuring out the logistics of Internet access where it's not really accessible - for part of the winter we will be absolutely beyond a doubt snowed in. My little front wheel drive won't help out and unfortunately we rely on that instead of horses anymore. . .So there are some potential complications when it comes to updating the blog, emailing, or even telephone communications - but the bright side of all this is that we will be so remote and with things always to do that probably 60% of the time are new experiences - this is the education I've been needing. So work ends for the season October 30, and I hope to be parked in Elk Park November 2nd, learning to process poultry (again, what's up with that? a wonderful experience that I can use to help others out with in the future - you need someone to roust up the chickens for dinner? Ok, I can do that!) and keep warm. What an excellent life I am gearing up for. Actually, back last November when I had an actual producer that flew out from LA to film us a bit, we did a short interview with Amos on their farm, talking agriculture, and most importantly the silk-strong connection food and how it's grown has effect on everything everything everything. An organic community-based, small farm with a couple that is willing to stick to their beliefs and faith. It's just no question the last 2 years has brought me to this junction for a specific reason. I can see it clearly. Money would still be a nice thing, but I'm not even sure I believe that. Capability is a much 'nicer' thing, or should I say, necessary. Which bring me full circle to sailing. No more doubts that I can't learn, which was an underlying theme from an August entry that was never posted. I'll just go ahead and put that up there out-of-order, it's more of an intimate view of my views out these eyes, though the last little bit is tinged with sadness that Matthew and I just didn't work. . . sometimes sometimes isn't enough and it has to be a peaceful parting. . .
Think about it - what would I have in common with a 60-some disabled vet whose love of Natural Light is a love affair is almost sweet at times? More then I would have guessed. I'm not tentative of accepting and loving folks. It'll be a test of my word to teach the kids all about different people, but oh how exciting. And through all this hanging out on the dock in-between work and talking philosophies and being landlocked on a gorgeous lake surrounded by mountains and the sounds of the rattling kaleidoscope canopies, the lines chiming against the masts, I have re-gained a faith in people, in God's creation, in myself. I've actually learned somethings about living on the road, how not to take advantage, but rather barter in everything, even language - someone says something nice, you reimburse them with something nice. I've enjoyed some lively discussions about karma lately. . .
So today I met with some amazing people - Amos and Kaci - these two young, balanced-idealists who own Trosly Farm in Elk Park, North Carolina. It's a working, community-based farm that they began by themselves about 2 years ago, and have managed to almost completely work the farm for their own financial sustainability. It's a beautiful example of what can be done with the right combination of faith and hard work and ideals, though obviously, ideals need to be toned down sometimes, to be realized as ideals and be varied from that point, to paraphrase Amos today this afternoon. They have agreed, in exchange for conditioned work on some buildings and chores with the animals, pre-determined hours - to allow Sirius to be parked on their property for the 4 hardest months of winter. This afternoon my head is reeling with all that needs to be done to quickly make our lives on the bus as self-sufficient as possible - namely the wood stove, a cord of wood brought up to the farm, figuring out the logistics of Internet access where it's not really accessible - for part of the winter we will be absolutely beyond a doubt snowed in. My little front wheel drive won't help out and unfortunately we rely on that instead of horses anymore. . .So there are some potential complications when it comes to updating the blog, emailing, or even telephone communications - but the bright side of all this is that we will be so remote and with things always to do that probably 60% of the time are new experiences - this is the education I've been needing. So work ends for the season October 30, and I hope to be parked in Elk Park November 2nd, learning to process poultry (again, what's up with that? a wonderful experience that I can use to help others out with in the future - you need someone to roust up the chickens for dinner? Ok, I can do that!) and keep warm. What an excellent life I am gearing up for. Actually, back last November when I had an actual producer that flew out from LA to film us a bit, we did a short interview with Amos on their farm, talking agriculture, and most importantly the silk-strong connection food and how it's grown has effect on everything everything everything. An organic community-based, small farm with a couple that is willing to stick to their beliefs and faith. It's just no question the last 2 years has brought me to this junction for a specific reason. I can see it clearly. Money would still be a nice thing, but I'm not even sure I believe that. Capability is a much 'nicer' thing, or should I say, necessary. Which bring me full circle to sailing. No more doubts that I can't learn, which was an underlying theme from an August entry that was never posted. I'll just go ahead and put that up there out-of-order, it's more of an intimate view of my views out these eyes, though the last little bit is tinged with sadness that Matthew and I just didn't work. . . sometimes sometimes isn't enough and it has to be a peaceful parting. . .
Friday, October 14, 2011
Sabrina
the magic of clarity, and the journey to It
Three weeks technically homeless, the bus ran out of funds, I broke off the 8 week engagement and slept on the bus in parking lots, the car, two sailboats, many floors, blessed hotels (which slept the worst), and a handful of couches and for near a night, a sandy lake beach. I am back to work until the season ends. I am again in the same situation I wanted to avoid, but I can't be happier about it - afterall I was the one who said I learn best through first hand experience.
I have learned that I need much to learn, and I have also seen the opportunities to learn things appear out of nowhere, constantly. I guess, just like all the mauve-colored cars you only notice around you right after you purchase one yourself, that these lessons and knowledges were all around, the entire time. I was just having too much fun, and too much distraction with such things as appearances this summer and my life the 15 years prior, to pay attention. Such wasted moments, but in my present realizations, no, not really.
So this clarity of thought, clarity in explanation, this is my downfall, or rather, my newest opportunity now. As I half-way have gone back on what I feel is one of the difficult options for single-parents - to go back to school - I am finishing up my Yale application for their graduate nurse-midwifery program - as I read over the instructions for the essay questions, and the manner in which they would be evaluated, there was another gem I found in simple instructions - who would have thought - Oh! the wonder! - the essays will be evaluated on "clarity of thought". Dang! I had such cloudiness that just that description was a blessing - that's my focus - is to have clarity of thought. Not updating the blog since August and re-uniting with friends of years ago both share in that lack of clarity of thought once I try to catch up - just look how this entry was begun - what a whale of a mess.
Clarity of thought and an invariable passion, trying to make sentences make sense. If you're reading this because you saw the address of the side of my bus, you know it's parked in an empty lot. The kids don't know why we aren't sleeping there every night. Go figure, God gives them that peace we sing and preach about and then the folks at church instill fears when someone has the faith enough to put it into practice. My mom calls it testing God. I call it having faith. Society call it unstable and inappropriate, I say society is unstable and inappropriate. Did you notice I'm not doing a good job with clarity or a smooth, easy to read flow of thought? Good. That's purposeful. I watched 5 hours of the history channel the other night when I had the chance to sleep in a hotel and act 'normal'. There's no gold in Fort Knox, this world is disasterously beautiful with life and death and innumerable mysteries and wars and Gods and gods and rainbow serpents. That's just THIS world. I didn't even mention the universe. It's pretty dang confusing, but with my second long night of philosophizing on a sailboat with a new friend, we agreed it's still all pretty damn simple - there is energy, love is energy, God is love - love. There's too many people trying to complicate things.
And I'm not about to sell the bus. Just think that maybe that bus wasn't meant to travel too far. Not sure what it's meant to do. But keeping our eye on the ball, human rights, responsible and peaceful hearts, well, let's just keep it simple. I'll learn how to slaughter chickens hopefully and then I'll be in a primitive way, with a smaller, quieter vocabulary, thus - I will stumble upon my elusive clarity, I know it's there. . .
peace, love, and clarity on the road discovering my community in strings of random acts of love, kindness, and. . .clarity
I have learned that I need much to learn, and I have also seen the opportunities to learn things appear out of nowhere, constantly. I guess, just like all the mauve-colored cars you only notice around you right after you purchase one yourself, that these lessons and knowledges were all around, the entire time. I was just having too much fun, and too much distraction with such things as appearances this summer and my life the 15 years prior, to pay attention. Such wasted moments, but in my present realizations, no, not really.
So this clarity of thought, clarity in explanation, this is my downfall, or rather, my newest opportunity now. As I half-way have gone back on what I feel is one of the difficult options for single-parents - to go back to school - I am finishing up my Yale application for their graduate nurse-midwifery program - as I read over the instructions for the essay questions, and the manner in which they would be evaluated, there was another gem I found in simple instructions - who would have thought - Oh! the wonder! - the essays will be evaluated on "clarity of thought". Dang! I had such cloudiness that just that description was a blessing - that's my focus - is to have clarity of thought. Not updating the blog since August and re-uniting with friends of years ago both share in that lack of clarity of thought once I try to catch up - just look how this entry was begun - what a whale of a mess.
Clarity of thought and an invariable passion, trying to make sentences make sense. If you're reading this because you saw the address of the side of my bus, you know it's parked in an empty lot. The kids don't know why we aren't sleeping there every night. Go figure, God gives them that peace we sing and preach about and then the folks at church instill fears when someone has the faith enough to put it into practice. My mom calls it testing God. I call it having faith. Society call it unstable and inappropriate, I say society is unstable and inappropriate. Did you notice I'm not doing a good job with clarity or a smooth, easy to read flow of thought? Good. That's purposeful. I watched 5 hours of the history channel the other night when I had the chance to sleep in a hotel and act 'normal'. There's no gold in Fort Knox, this world is disasterously beautiful with life and death and innumerable mysteries and wars and Gods and gods and rainbow serpents. That's just THIS world. I didn't even mention the universe. It's pretty dang confusing, but with my second long night of philosophizing on a sailboat with a new friend, we agreed it's still all pretty damn simple - there is energy, love is energy, God is love - love. There's too many people trying to complicate things.
And I'm not about to sell the bus. Just think that maybe that bus wasn't meant to travel too far. Not sure what it's meant to do. But keeping our eye on the ball, human rights, responsible and peaceful hearts, well, let's just keep it simple. I'll learn how to slaughter chickens hopefully and then I'll be in a primitive way, with a smaller, quieter vocabulary, thus - I will stumble upon my elusive clarity, I know it's there. . .
peace, love, and clarity on the road discovering my community in strings of random acts of love, kindness, and. . .clarity
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