The Positivity of Negativity

We all need balance.  Every place you are able to peer into, every aspect of every Thing requires balance.  Today is a level morning, surprised at how early I rose, seeing the oldest two off on the bus and having to let Samson skip school since he is too young to ride the bus and obviously I have no car for awhile.  I thought about lying back down while Samson slept in, but instead I naturally began picking up the pieces (literally - there was a broken bowl from last night on the living room floor) from the heavy previous evening and made some strawberry juice with ginger and apple. . . and from such a seemingly disasterous incident has come a steady wave of inspiration and faith in getting out and taking this journey, though it seems implausible at this junction.

Here's the breakdown - I get a meager amount of welfare assistance in the form of food stamps, which needs to be supplemented by about $400 a month in cash for me.  Work, which is seasonal, resumed, but Friday I had zero tables and Saturday I decided instead of paying the sitter money I wouldn't make, I called out.  It never makes sense to pay to work. . . I have however begun a cleaning/nanny type job, um, yesterday, but obviously won't be going for a few more days.  Now the EPA wants the money I've set aside for the solar panels (the very last of tax refund money, which I've been humbly living off of), when in reality, some of that money needs to go to the car repair and to replace lost income with the loss of work. . . Negativity, and if I weren't fasting, I would, right now, be nursing a headache from a bit too much rum last night.  But I'm not, I didn't, I won't - I'm confident that my God just had to see how much faith I really have.  On paper, this entire idea seems impossible, and even what I've done so far seems impossible - the conversion itself is such a gigantic task, huge demand on my time, patience, finances (what finances?) and ability to learn new things while handling this household solo, it just seems stupid.  But only every so often, only for moments at a time do I even dare question - there is no plan B, there can't be.

Without having to hold my pauper's hand out in silent pity, I will take the risk to list all that I need assistance with presently, knowing I may not even know my own needs, and that all will be provided. . .
 

• A 'scholarship' for Ezekiel and Mercury in the form of Waldorf homeschool curriculum.  I have tried to secure donations straight from the sources, but they are in the same boat as I, and recommended I ask individuals for help
• Stainless steel camping bowls and plates for four
• old RV sink and water tank
• full size futon mattress for my loft
• barrels or drums to hold used veggie oil
• tank to be used to hold veggie oil
• monetary donations to help the remainder of conversion purchases, which are. . .

1. Solar panels
2. 2 car batteries for the solar power
3. paneling for walls
4. engine conversion 
5. new glow plugs
6. wood for bunks and couch
7. window replacement
8. security - locks and surveillance camera
9. rocket mass heater

There are a few more little things, but these are the things highlighted in my mind.  I have been blessed to be allowed by the help of many, to get so far.  Out of this negative hole, we look up and see the positive space which allows that hole to even exist and find we are able to climb right out.